Dinah Discusses ... The Prancing New Show Jumping Trainer

Equine extra’s new contributor has been warmly welcomed, with her experience, wit and wisdom giving an entertaining insight into the life of a semi-retired, very successful competition mare. Meet Dinah...

Dinah is 19 years old now, still a ‘full up’ 16.1hh and immaculately turned out for all occasions. A beautiful, rich liver chestnut with an attractive full mane and tail, she loves the fact that she can still turn heads and strut her stuff in the arena. A veteran of all three affiliated competition disciplines, Dinah knows a thing or two but absolutely refuses to tolerate unbalanced riders – even on a hack – but she’s rather fond of the gawping youngsters who regularly spook into her whenever they see a dragon!

Her stable is a room with a view and her paddock allows unrestricted observation of all the comings and goings in the busy yard as befits her status. This week Dinah observes ...

The Prancing New Show Jumping Trainer

I knew something was in the diary yesterday because the yard was bustling, I was given breakfast early, the car park was nearly full and there was an awful lot of grooming and titivating going on .... and that was just the livery owners! I have rarely seen such a sparkly array of breeches, boots and bridles..... 'Bling' was everywhere. (Not my cup of tea I hasten to add as I am definitely a ‘less is more’ type of gal!).

I hadn’t got past wondering what was happening, when my question was answered by the sound of the jump trailer rattling down into the arena, which I could just see over my door had the NEW show jumps on. Back it came a bit later, removing our somewhat tatty resident show jumps. Now I was hoping they’d turn me out so I'd be able to watch whoever was going to attempt to jump these new show jumps – I was in need of a good laugh.

Well, my prayers were answered and out I went, just in time to witness the arrival of our new and very flamboyant-looking show jumping trainer. I say flamboyant because I had rarely seen that colour of hair and hairstyle, nor the cut and colour of breeches – on a man. Blimey oh Riley, where had they found this one? Certainly not on the cover of International Horsey News!

After a quick shuffle of the jumps and some poles, he then proceeded to attach a 'thingamajig' to his left ear, which I soon found out was a bit of technology that allowed us ALL to hear him .....  amplified.  What a racket I thought - and well, it will certainly get the fizzy fizzing!

The keen and obviously excited first lot of riders and their horses came in for their group lesson. Russell they called him -  hmmmm the nam suited him - and he started by spending what seemed an age discussing the things he wanted to see. Not all the horses were that keen to stand still though, so their riders probably missed a lot if it! The jumps were duly set at the height requested by the riders and he, rather disdainfully I thought, began to stride out what he thought might be more challenging related distances through some of the fences.  Obviously a ‘metre 30’ type of trainer, it was easy to work out that anything below a metre was literally beneath him – in every respect.

I wish I could describe the look of sheer terror that gradually came over the riders as their much-anticipated session progressed – watched by an entourage of connections and other riders. No amount of sequins on their jumping jodphurs was going to impress the prancing little Russell. He watched the group warm up, made a few critical remarks and then asked the first rider to ‘pop round’ the course he had designed. I couldn’t tear myself away to eat any grass – which doesn’t happen often in my life!

What a disaster – I felt quite sorry for her and her horse. There was a lot of ‘cat-leaping’ and grunting as they threw themselves around the course. In fact I thought the rider did well to remain on board as her horse was obviously not confident.

Oh dear though, his lofty opinion was delivered somewhat dripping in sarcasm. (Mother always told me that sarcasm was “the lowest form of wit"). As she rode some of the fences again, he continued without much positive encouragement, to the point where I doubted the rider now felt 50 quid of her hard earned cash was being spent wisely and even regretted not spending it on a bottle of Cava and a good night out with her mates instead.

Nevertheless, I must say that I was thoroughly entertained for virtually the whole day watching these brave souls – just a few essential grazing breaks when the groups changed over. Some were better than others, a few even got a compliment from ‘Mr Russell Prancer’ but overall there was a definite air of mild resentment come the end of his clinic. I also heard later that there were double the entries for the following week’s DRESSAGE competition.

The new show jumps were duly removed from the arena and I haven’t seen them since. Guess he won't be back any time soon then.

To receive Dinah's updates straight to your inbox, add your email address to the 'Follow By Email' box above right and click Submit.